~Health Update~

An update for family & friends:  2 weeks ago today I was fighting Sepsis in ICU. It is truly terrifying and it happens so fast. I'm SO thankful to be home recovering and to be feeling much better then last week. I still have a little ways to go with healing , but I'm farther then I thought I'd be at this point.

Thursday April 5th is a day I will never forget. I was recovering from a procedure done on my liver Monday April 2nd. I wasn't feeling well, but thought it was normal post-procedure and minor surgery symptoms. Little did I know that a deadly infection was brewing and about to hit my blood stream. Wednesday night I began with incredibly horrible abdominal pain. I thought maybe air pockets from the procedure. {They did find via cat scan air in my bile duct and gastritis from the procedure}  It eased up and I went to sleep for a few hours. Around 6am I woke up with even worse pain, chills , shaking, could not speak , could barely walk, couldn't remember the last time I went to the bathroom yet had been drinking a ton...I felt very confused and dizzy. I was really scared. I never felt that sick in my life. I woke up Matt and with the few words I could speak I said "ER now".  He didn't miss a beat and within 20 mins I was in the LGH ER. 

The rest is a blur. I remember bits and pieces. I recall being taken not to the normal ER area but to a special room with my own nurse. Found out later after talking to my Mom that the same thing happened to Dave. His own room with his own nurse.  There were IV's , blood work and lots of meds and a severe breakout of hives that required an Epi-pen. I dozed off a lot, some from the sepsis some from the morphine. I would wake to docs talking to me but I can't recall much of what was said. I remember my nurse being extremely concerned about my low blood pressure and very high heartbeat. I had no clue why my vitals were like that. I just wanted to get better. To feel better. And to go home. Next thing I know, they are telling me I have to be admitted to the ICU. What? Why?! Not admitted again, I just got home. Vitals aren't good. Need to rule out infection. Need to get you better. I don't remember the rest of that day or evening. I know Matt and Isaac had to go home because kids under 12 couldn't be in the ICU. I missed my family so much. 

Friday April 6th- My Dad's 18th anniversary of his passing. I didn't even remember it. I didn't know what day it was. I was still pretty sick and out of it. They told me I had confirmation of blood infection, they amped up the antibiotics to 3 or 4 times a day via IV and also orally as well. I still had the hives so they were managing that as well with IV steroids. So much Benadryl , steroids, antibiotics, meds. Another day of being out of it and not remembering much. More blood work to find out what infection it was. My vitals still weren't ideal but they were getting better. I know more doctors came in to talk to me but I still do not have much memory from that day either. It didn't hit me until I was home recovering, that I was in the ICU fighting a life threatening infection on the same day my Dad passed away. It was an emotional moment. Incredibly thankful that I didn't pass on the same day, that my boys didn't have to lose their Mommy , Matt didn't have to lose his wife and my Mom didn't have to lose her daughter on an already difficult day for all of us. 

It wasn't until Saturday the 7th {Matt's birthday} that I began to slowly feel a little better , was more awake and aware. I was transferred to another room on another floor and Matt, the boys and my Mom were able to visit me. That lifted my spirits immensely!  I improved from that day on and was able to go home Sunday April 8th. They found out the infection was from E-coli and that the antibiotics were doing their job. My blood work was normalizing and latest labs looked good. I dreaded the thought of having to stay longer and so grateful I was stable enough to go home. 

My recovery last week was rough, but being home helped. I am happy to say this week is MUCH better! I'm starting to feel like my self again. My last day for oral antibiotics was today, Friday April 20th. I have to watch my symptoms for about 48 hours , so praying I stay healthy and well. 

I'm forever grateful to:

1) God for saving my life- for clearly letting me know something was very very wrong and that I needed to go to the ER immediately 

2) Matt for seeing I needed help ASAP and getting me to LGH quickly 

3) All of the docs and nurses who took care of me at LGH ER and ICU. They saw this was serious, they were on top of it. They found out within 24 hours that I had a blood infection and treated me immediately. Even before they got the confirmation via lab work they had started IV antibiotics. They absolutely saved my life.

As many of you know, Dave {my Step-Dad} died from septic shock 3 years ago in March. All we knew about sepsis is that once you have it, your chances are slim. Sepsis = death to us , and it was terrifying to be told I had it. I didn't know people could survive.

What I've learned since my ordeal is that the key to survival is getting help/treatment ASAP. 

DO NOT WAIT if you have symptoms. You will know something is not right. I tend to wait things out. I do not want to be running to the doctor or ER constantly for things that will get better in a few days with fluids and rest. However, with just having a procedure done...then getting so so very sick a few days later... I never felt that sick in my life...it was clear I had to go. The internal medicine Dr. said that Matt bringing me as soon as he did helped in saving my life.

I wish Dave could have had that chance. But I know if he could talk to me, he would be happy that I got help and that I'm doing well. He would also be happy to know that his death from sepsis helped us to be extra aware of the signs...and that awareness and concern is what pushed me to get help. 

My infection was caused by my procedure at Hershey , however sepsis can be caused by many things. Symptoms vary ,but for me it was : Extremely LOW body temp, extreme chills to the bone- cannot get warm no matter what you do, full body shaking that was uncontrollable, cannot speak correctly or at all, mental confusion {can't think normally, cannot form words to speak}, no urine output {kidneys were shutting down} which leads to being extremely thirsty and dehydrated, extreme abdominal pain -the worst I've ever had, blurry vision, dizzy.

I attached a visual of other symptoms for sepsis. Sometimes it's a high temp but can also be a low temp. You may have the flu and think it's just that, but don't wait. In cases where you've had a procedure done, surgery, some injury, or have been sick...if you have any of these symptoms you have to go...it could be the difference between life and death.

Grateful doesn't begin to describe how I feel. When you've been through something like that...it changes you. Changes how you look at life...positive changes. I've experienced a lot of loss & death,  and those things change you too...but facing it myself - I'll never be the same.  I've been through major surgery where doctors told my family chances are 50/50 that she will survive this, and we all said our goodbye's. But this...this was different. This wasn't expected, planned or known. One minute I was home recovering from a procedure, the next I'm in the ER fighting a battle I wasn't even completely aware of for the first day. Matt wasn't even exactly sure why I was being admitted to the ICU. We knew my vitals were very bad... but we didn't know why. They talked about a possible infection, but we didn't know for sure until the following day. 

I'm finding that normal every day things mean so much more to me now. It's almost like I have a new pair of glasses on...and I'm seeing things clearer, brighter, different then I did before. Holding my loved ones even closer. Grateful for every moment, literally. Grateful for every day I wake up at home, feeling healthy , able to do things with my boys. I was a grateful person before but...even more now.  I pray as time goes on...these new glasses don't wear out and that I will always maintain this THANKFUL perspective. 

There are some not so great side effects of going through something like that...and for those I'm meeting with my lovely , sweet and amazing therapist. Being proactive with my physical, mental/emotional health has always been important to me. It was clear last week after I was home a few days that this experience {while so very thankful to be alive and be home} had done something to me emotionally. I'm feeling stronger and better in that area this week,  but having my therapist work with me through it seems like the right step forward in my healing. When anything happens to us in life...it tends to have a domino effect on all areas of life...our mind/emotions and our body. I'm healing physically...but also have to heal emotionally. 

I'm hopeful my recovery will continue to be smooth and good, and soon I'll be back to normal enjoying all the fun adventures that come with Spring & Summer! We are so incredibly grateful for the kind words, actions & prayers of our friends and family over the last few weeks. Thank you all! 

Oh and for those wondering how my procedure went for my liver.  The Dr at Hershey was able to get to the area in question and I had one closed bile duct. This bile duct may have been closing..or closed...for the last 10 years. With the surgery I had done 12 years ago...they had to remove my common bile duct and make a new one. Thankfully, they made two instead of one. We knew that a long term risk was closing of the bile ducts...of course you never think that will really happen.  It could have been the cause of my extreme liver pain and hives all these years. The Dr. opened up my bile duct and cleaned it out. He said he hopes I can get 5-10 yrs out of the ducts before they would close again. Hopefully that was it and I will be able to experience GOOD health for many years to come! So far, no liver pain and no hives! I will celebrate when I reach one month hive free. I prayed hard for an answer to my hives that were getting unbearable and out of control...and this may be it.  I meet with my GI doctor on Monday to discuss the procedure and results...hoping and praying he feels this was the cause of my issues and that I'm done and do not need any further tests or procedures. 

WHY. I've asked that so many times, for so long. When you continuously go through trial after trail...it can wear you down.  Maybe we will find out why. Or, we may never know. I don't ask why anymore. Now, I just say THANK YOU. Thank you for this day. It is a gift. None of us knows the day or the hour that will be our last. We shouldn't obsess over it in misery. Instead, take THIS day that has been gifted to you and make it a good one. Do good things. Have fun. Love people. Be nice. Hug a lot. {I LOVE HUGS} Make peace. Make memories and special moments. Just live like today is the only day you have because the reality is...today IS the only day we have. Tomorrow is in the future and hasn't happened yet.  I'm writing this to myself too. In the hopes I will never forget it...and can pass it on to my kids..and my grandkids. Live with GRATITUDE and life will be beautiful every day, no matter what is going on. <3

GRATEFUL & HOPEFUL

~Purpose In The Pain Pt 3~

{ This is Part 3 of a series on my struggle with unexplained/undiagnosed sickness. To catch up, you are welcome to read Part 1 & 2 }

Isaac and I struggle with our health, most of you know that. So many questions and so many tearful prayers. Then I came across 2 Corinthians 12:7-10:

"So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh... Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”

So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Everyone longs for healing. Especially for your sick child. It's hard. The first part , I could have written. Begging the Lord to take the "thorn in our flesh" away & heal us. I believe the Lord can heal people from sickness and disease. I know of people that have been healed in huge ways and in small ways. I have no doubts this can happen.

But, maybe it's not to happen for everyone, in the way we would like or the way we understand to be "healing". It wasn't to happen for Paul. But God knew why Paul had to have that "thorn" and only He knew what this would do to Paul if  He took it away and healed him. The Lord is kind and good , He loves us so very much, if He is to leave a "thorn" where it is, it must be for a very good reason. One only He knows.

I believe He heals people in various ways. I have prayed countless prayers for healing for myself and Isaac over the years. But this verse makes me think that I've maybe missed something. I don't know "why" we continue to be sick and there are 100's of possibilities. Perhaps the answer is complicated..or perhaps it's simple. Perhaps for reasons only He knows... we continue to have these "thorns".  


It makes me wonder...like Paul....would I , too, become proud if I had no illness to keep me humble? Would Isaac? What could the purpose be in all of this? Who would we be ,or become, if we didn't have these "thorns"? Is it to help us be compassionate and kind to those with similar struggles? Is it to encourage others in some way? Being ill since birth has definitely helped me to be compassionate and caring to those who suffer with illness. I wish there could be another way...but as Jesus prayed for God to take away his cup of suffering to come, He also prayed "Your will be done".

For whatever reason, my weary heart and soul has found some strange kind of peace in reading this today. Why in the world would I find peace in thinking perhaps God's going to keep our "thorns" where they are like He did to Paul?  I don't want us to be sick and I'll continue to do everything I can to find answers and help for us. This verse and even the odd peace I feel doesn't make it easier, but I'm praying that if that is what He wants, that He can change our hearts so we can "boast and take pleasure in our weakness" So HIS power can be make perfect in OUR weakness.

I know God does not want us to suffer and does not take pleasure in our pain. And even after reading this , I will still continue to pray for and believe in healing. But I'll also think of this verse more often and while we "wait patiently for the Lord" to heal us and/or bring us to answers...I pray we can also see our suffering in the way Paul did.


I don't now about you, but I often pay more attention to the times in the Bible Jesus healed people immediately, he cast out demons on the spot, people rose from death to life at the touch of his hand or sound of his voice. He healed people based on their faith and belief alone. One lady simply touched his robe and was healed! I have found so much hope in these stories and have believed wholeheartedly He can and will heal in the same way today.


But...I've not paid as much attention to verses like this...stories like Pauls...and others. Job is another one. Great suffering. Job did eventually see deliverance but he went through literal hell on earth first. We don't understand why..but God says His ways are higher then our ways, His thoughts HIGHER then ours. We cannot ever understand the HIGH ways of our creator.

I clung to the healing testimonies and words of Christ, but simply read and moved on from Pauls testimony of the thorn in his flesh and how he dealt with it. How he accepted it and looked at it differently after begging for healing. Did he give up on God when God didn't "answer" his request for healing? No...he asked...he prayed..he listened to the Lord and then he allowed God to change his heart. He also CHOSE to embrace this thorn and then work with it! He let his struggle transform him and also allow it to grow his faith even bigger and deeper! He never gave up. He believed, like I do and many of us do, that God IS listening to us, He IS healing in ways we dont see feel or understand , and He IS GOOD ...if He is leaving this thorn, there must be a good reason. 

Here's another one that stood out to me today and has made me think differently about our struggle with our health:

Psalm 40

"I waited patiently for the Lord;

    he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

    out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

    and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

    a hymn of praise to our God."

Perhaps this Psalm is speaking of a struggle that God healed him from. Or perhaps it speaks of a struggle, that God did not deliver him from , but changed his heart and delivered /healed him in a different way. In his mind/heart/persective. To where, like Paul, he can praise God in the midst of pain and hardship.

Whatever the reason, whatever is going to happen, I pray God gives us hearts and attitudes like Paul, David, and Jesus. We cry out for healing, but we know God's grace is sufficient for us and His power is made perfect in our weakness. We wait Patiently for the Lord to answer, as he lifts us up out of the pit of despair and gives us hope. We can stand on His firm foundation no matter what trials come our way. He will give us new songs of praise and perhaps some will come to put their trust in Him as a result of our hardship and struggle. Perhaps He leaves the "thorns" for that reason alone.  And like Jesus prayed, God we ask that you take this cup of suffering from us, but your will be done , not ours. If you will these thorns Lord, then help us to have peace, joy and trust through it.

If you know someone who is sick quite often or has a loved one that suffers, take the time to listen to them. Give them a hug, pray with them, be gentle and understanding. You may be tempted to judge them, but no one knows the true reasons a person is suffering. Perhaps you are blessed to not struggle in this way, but they do, for whatever reason. Having compassionate and loving ears to listen, arms to hug, hearts to love...truly comforts and lifts up those who are weary and burdened. A simple text, message, email or phone call to check in and see how they are doing goes a long way. You may not be able to "relate" and that's ok..but it's a lonely world when you suffer repeatedly. Reaching out in some way can make a huge difference. 


And if, like me and Isaac, you suffer continuously with some unknown sickness, or you know someone who does....have faith, trust , and hope ...believe that He can heal you. Pray for healing. Do what you can to get an answer. But also consider that He may allow the "thorn" you are dealing with...for reasons only He knows. Trust Him in this! It's hard, but let's follow Pauls lead and never give up. One day, our suffering will be over. What a glorious day that will be. Until then, let's encourage one another and build each other up, trusting in the Lord and His higher ways , together. <3

~Purpose In The Pain Pt 2~

{This is an update to my original blog post Purpose In The Pain.}

 

So interesting to read my words from 2009...and realize not much has changed over the years, until recently....

 

" A little frustrated after contacting an allergist to see about having an allergy test done for my hives, only to have them tell me majority of the time the results come back fine and they don't know why the hives happen. Makes me feel like the doctor is giving up on me before even seeing me??? Considering just seeing a naturopathic doctor for my ailments since regular doctors keep saying "we dont know..."

 

Since this post, I have pursued many doctors. All tried their best to help me. Lots of tests, an allergy test, etc...only to have all of them tell me they don't know what is causing this. My allergist, after many tests and visits, told me recently..."Well, I have an answer that no doctor likes to give...I don't know what is causing this severe reaction". sigh. The next step is to see an autoimmune doctor. There have been lots of theories over the years from doctors, friends, family, my own brain....so many things "could be" causing this.. All of which could be legitimate but no real diagnoses. It's difficult to live with a debilitating "illness" and have no idea what it is or why it's happening.

 

 

In case you were not able to read my original post:

I started with chronic severe hives in summer of 2008 , literally out of no where. I had plenty of health issues growing up, mainly with my stomach. Never severe hives that put me in the ER. I have been on an {almost} 10 year journey and struggle with this. Carrying a "med kit" of medications and an ep-pen with me everywhere I go, to take if an episode flares up.

 

My episodes would happen once every few months. Sometimes longer stretches. Sometimes shorter. Lots of food logs and journals trying to make a connection. Just when I think I have connected the dots...it changes and we start over. Since January my episodes have been once a month. Since June, twice a month. The last episode in July, I hit rock bottom. Not only do I have to rest for 2-3 days in a Benadryl fog , I also have to take high doses of steroids that leave me feeling ill with side effects. For about 1 week I am not able to function normally. Having this happen once a month was tough, but twice a month was too much. I was absolutely desperate for help.  I have had to cancel and miss so many things over the last 9 years.  It's frustrating, disappointing and even embarrassing at times.  "Sorry, I can't make it, I'm sick again".  Something had to change.

 

That's when a light bulb went off in my head after much time in prayer, asking God to please heal me or lead me to the right person, doctor , etc that can help me. After all, He created me. He knows exactly what is going on.

 

In my 2009 post I mentioned pursuing a naturopathic doctor for help. A few years ago after a friend told me about one locally that helped her friend...I set up an appointment. He helped me with some issues at the time and I started to feel better. Why I stopped going to him I'm not sure, but I set up another appointment for as soon as possible.

 

I was able to get in to see him recently. He spoke so much clarity into my situation with hives and with anxiety, it was a breath of fresh air. I was in tears as he explained so simply, yet so profoundly , why my body is going through this. I finally have a "why" and the help I have desperately needed. I have HOPE. I have RELIEF that this mysterious issue will not control my life anymore.

 

Years ago I had taken a histamine supplement that helped with the hives. I ran out and never refilled it. The hives weren't the main issue at that point and I forgot about the supplement until now. Since starting that again, I have had NO episodes!! By now I should have broken out. I felt one coming on recently, so I took more histamine supplement and never broke out fully. This is truly amazing! I have tears typing this. When you are at rock bottom , hope is gone, feeling so desperate for someone to help you...it's a dark place to be. To have hope restored is a feeling I cannot describe.

 

I had taken zyrtec and benahdryl per my allergists request and it did not stop the hives. No matter how much I took, I always ended up taking prednisone. The last episode I felt coming on recently, I did not have to take the steroid!! This is huge! One of my biggest issues was having to take so much prednisone. It not only made me feel sick, but is not good to take long term. I wanted so badly to be able to stop taking it...and I'm finally in that place!

 

What I have learned from my experience is that you have to be your own advocate. If you aren't getting the answers you need, keep pursuing , keeping pushing. Do not give up on yourself. Find something to motivate you to get up and get answers. If not for yourself, for your spouse, family, or children.  My husband & kids were my top motivation along with wanting to just feel better. I am a joyful person and I love life! Being held down & held back by illness is not something I'm going to settle for. I was close to giving up and accepting my fate to be sick with this forever, until that light bulb went off. I needed to dig deep and try every avenue.

 

 

Seeing my naturopath was my last hope. I wanted to at least see if he had any idea or could help at all before seeing the autoimmune doctor. It's not a bad thing to see the autoimmune doctor and if I end up sick again , that is my next step. But for now, I feel I'm at a good place and on a good path. I am forever grateful for all that my doctors tried to do to help me. Sometimes they can find the answer and solution. Other times they cannot. I prefer treating things as natural as possible if I can...because side effects are tough to deal with. To have a natural solution is a relief.

 

Sometimes you need to take medications, I am not against that. But sometimes you don't. I'm thankful in this case, for now , I don't need to. In my pursuit for an answer I went to regular medical doctors, my allergist and will consider an autoimmune specialist if needed. I also felt to make sure I covered all bases, I needed to see my naturopath as well. For me, it felt like a well -rounded approach to my health. Gather everyone's expertise and ideas, and see what conclusion we can come too.  My naturopath was the one able to give me something that really helped.

 

After almost 10 years of struggle, I think , I HOPE, I'm finally going to be in control of this { instead of it controlling me} and hive free.

 

I also learned that God chooses to heal in various ways. Sometimes He will take something away immediately. There are countless stories of this happening to people. A miraculous unexplainable healing. I absolutely believe He can do that and have witnessed it myself. At the same time, only He knows how or why He heals immediately sometimes and not others. Sometimes He will heal you through the expertise He has given someone else. Maybe that doctor or individual needs to know they have value and worth in helping someone. That their many years of education, time, money and hard work are not wasted. Who knows. We may never know. But we have to trust. He knows. He will answer. He will heal in some way.

 

I was begging God for help ....and He answered.
 

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Thank you to those who have prayed and offered help and advice. If you are at rock bottom like me and would like to know more about how I am treating my hives and anxiety, please comment and I will be in touch. I'm not selling or promoting anything. I simply want to help people who may be in a similar place as I was.

~Purpose In The Pain~

Sometimes you have to go to a place you don't want to be, to end up in the place God wants you to be."- Christine Cain

I'm in a place I don't want to be.

 

I've been in a season of asking God "why me" concerning my health. Not gonna lie, it's been tough. Almost 10 years struggling with a certain health issue can make one weary. I just came through a 5 day battle with this issue and found myself on the verge of despair at times. I know that sounds dramatic , but it's true. When you fight something so long, something that stops your life for a week, causes you to take medication that has side effects that make you feel unwell, causes you to be "ineffective" as wife and Mom...It's hard. When you have been to various doctors to get a diagnosis , and still have no reason "why" it is happening...you become very frustrated and weary. That was me the last few days fighting this. Anyone that is struggling with health issues, I understand.

 

I see you. I hear you.
 

I'm no stranger to a "sick body". Since I was a baby I've had stomach/digestive problems. Many of my classmates probably remember me this way. Sick in school, missing school, etc etc. I was "the sick girl" for a long time. Lots of doctors visits and procedures to find out what is making this little girl so sick. Their conclusion was "Ulcers" because they really didn't know what else it was. We treated those ulcers as best we could.

"Why Me?"
 

Things got pretty bad as a young adult and I was checked again to see if there was another cause. I was diagnosed with a "diseased gallbladder". That was taken out and I thought maybe now I would feel better. I was told by the surgeon, "We saw something else in there, you need to see another doctor and have this checked out."

"Why Me?"

 

I ignored the advice for a few years because I wasn't as sick anymore. And to be honest, I was scared to find out what this "thing" was. My gallbladder removal did not completely solve my stomach pain, but it was a little better. So I went on with life. Until my stomach issues came back severely while in Massage School. Many of my Massage classmates may remember me "sick". My stubborn self finally was pushed by my fiancé (now husband) and my Mom to get the "mysterious thing" looked at.

"Why Me?"
 

 

That resulted in needing to have a large choledocal cyst removed from my bile duct that connects to my liver. This cyst had a high chance of becoming cancer some day and it's location would likely result in pancreatic/liver cancer.  Grateful this cyst was found "accidentally" is an understatement. And I believe I had my gallbladder removed for a reason, so that this cyst would be discovered. But, I found myself still asking...

"Why Me?"

 

8 hours later my bile duct was completely removed and a new one created using other parts of my digestive system. I'm not "hooked up" the same as I was originally and it's a miracle that the doctors could do that. It's a very rare situation so prognoses was largely unknown, but mostly positive. There aren't many people that have had this cyst or surgery and each one ended up with different results. 11 years post surgery and I'm mostly doing well. I'm thankful it was removed and to have had 2 of the BEST surgeons for this type of surgery right at Hershey Hospital. They are now both in North Carolina , the timing for it all was perfect. I'm definitely thankful and blessed.

 

That surgery definitely helped, but wasn't the answer I thought it was. I still had stomach issues for years after. Thankfully I do not as often these days but, as life would have it, I now have to deal with another health issue that came on suddenly 9 years ago.

"Why Me?"

And you would think after 35 years of fighting sickness that I would be stronger...not weaker. Maybe I'm stronger in ways I don't realize, but I feel weaker. Many tears have been shed and prayers prayed. 

"Why Me?"
 

I know that here in this life, in these bodies, we will never have perfect health. It would be nice though to have a season of good health. A few years maybe. Or even a "diagnoses" as to why this is happening.
 

 

Back to where I started, I'm in a place I don't want to be. A season of asking "Why Me".  I was weary the past few days. Just fed up. Maybe you can relate.

 

"Why is God allowing this to happen?!"
 

 "Why hasn't He given me an answer, He knows why! Why is He keeping me in the dark about this?!"

 "I know He loves me and cares about me, so why is He just sitting there watching me suffer like this? Why is He putting my kids through this?!"

 "Does He care about me at all?!"

 

"WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF ALL OF THIS GOD?!!!"
 

 

I know those are brutally honest questions. Maybe hard for some to read, but I imagine God wasn't surprised at all. I imagine He was pleased I was finally releasing all of that pent up frustration. I imagine after I was done, He might have said something like "Ok, good. Are you ready to listen now?"  I don't think He was offended by my questions , because it was not long after those, that He spoke truth into my heart.

 

 

 In my tear filled discussion with Matt, he spoke gentle reminders to me that I feel were God-given.

 

"Megs, I know this is hard. It's hard to watch you so sick. But, what if there is a reason for all of this that we just don't know yet. What if some day we're going to see the reason and it's all going to make sense"

 

I was asking the right question, the wrong way.

 

I was asking "Why Me?" "Why is this happening to me, what is the purpose of this?!" in tears of confusion, frustration and despair. I was tired of being sick and didn't understand why God would allow me to be tormented with this problem so much.
 

But in an instant, that question was transformed...


"Why Me" turned into..

"Why are you allowing this to happen to me? What is the purpose of this?" Asked in true wonder and curiosity. Asked in peace. Asked in love.

 

Matt reminded me that yes, it's hard right now. Really hard. But we only see "right now". We can't see months or years down the road how this will work out. We can't imagine how my pain and struggle right now might help someone some day. Someone , possibly my own child or even a grandchild, may end up very sick like me. But, I've done the hard work. I've struggled and fought...so that I can help whoever that is one day to have an answer and relief sooner then I did.

 

Those words flooded me with a peace that surpasses comprehension. Everything in me calmed.

I don't know "WHY" right now I'm allowed to suffer for a time. But my perspective has shifted. It doesn't mean it's going to be easy if and when another episode comes. But, if my suffering will help someone one day, possibly my own family member, then I will keep suffering and keep fighting for an answer.

 

I now am ready to do whatever I have to do to figure out what is causing my body to go through this. To have purpose in the pain is incredibly motivating. To know that if I can get to the bottom of this , no matter how long I have to suffer, no matter how many doctors I have to see..if it could help someone else down the road, then it is worth it.
 

I now look at this problem through the lens of "What if".
 

*What if one day my grandchild is going to have the same problems.

*What if I didn't give it my all and fight to find an answer and solution...and my grandchild will have to suffer.

*What if I push through the pain now and keep digging, if not for a "diagnosis" at least for an answer to help take away the symptoms, to make them manageable and easier to live with. And in turn, my grandchild will not have to suffer because "Grandma has the same thing and this is what she found to be helpful".

*What if I help more then one person some day?

*What if my suffering and my pain turned into a passion that could end up helping many people struggling in the same way?

*What if I CHOOSE to use my suffering and pain to do GOOD in this world, instead of staying stuck in the endless cycle of self pity and despair (that is very easy to get stuck in).
 

The God I love does not allow us to just suffer with no reason or purpose. I was reminded of that. He's not going to let me go through this for nothing. Something will come from this. I don't know what that is yet or when, but I'm more hopeful about the future now. I will keep working hard until then.
 

I'm passionate about living as natural as possible, though I don't always do it perfectly. Massage therapy is one way I can help people to deal with pain and stress naturally. I've also been passionate for a long time about nutrition and how food plays a role in our health/disease. I've been contemplating taking a certain path for a few years, back and forth about it. Unsure if I should spend the time and money, or if it's right for me.
 

 

This recent flare up with my health has been a game changer. I'm confident now about my next step.
 

Everything I have gone through regarding my health issues over the years, has led me to this point. And perhaps I wouldn't be as passionate about it , or even care, if I wouldn't personally struggle with my own health.
 

Sometimes the greatest motivator for change is going through it yourself ...and sometimes you find your calling in the middle of the struggle.
 

I end with encouragement to those struggling in any capacity. It stinks. Period. Allow yourself to go through those emotions. And then consider, like I did, changing your question of WHY ME to...Why have you let me have this burden? What do you want me to do with this?

 

"Why me?" Same question, different tone and perspective.
 

 

And consider asking "What if"  What if YOUR struggle , your burden is for a reason. What if your struggle is going to motivate you to take a step that is going to be LIFE CHANGING for someone else one day. {And for you as well!}

 

Remember that His POWER is made perfect in our weakness. And that He will always turn any bad situation around for GOOD for those who love Him.

"Sometimes you have to go to a place you don't want to be, to end up in the place God wants you to be"- Christine Cain

 

What place are you in , that you don't want to be? And what place might that lead to, that God wants you to be?



**For those who are wondering what health issue I am suffering with - It has no name yet but  Severe Chronic Hives seems to be the closest label I can give it. This is a full body severe  "rash" , accompanied with severe muscle pain all over (the muscle pain usually comes first , then the hives). This has landed me in the ER a few times, closing my throat once to which I was given an Epi-Pen that I still keep on me , but thankfully haven't had to use it. I get them inside my body and everywhere.. My ENTIRE body is effected, not one area left untouched by this monster. It causes my hands and feet to burn and swell to where I can not walk or do anything with my hands. Thankfully , steroids are my "answer"  right now when an episode flares up. But they are not good to take long term, and they leave me feeling very sick as well. They take care of the outbreak, but make me ill in other ways.

Some people get a fast and easy answer to their symptoms. They find out they have illness abc and can treat it easily with xyz. I'm in the group who cannot find a cause or diagnosis. No answer. I've had allergy testing and I'm under the care currently of my doctor and allergist. I've seen many doctors over the years, none of which can give me any clue as to what it could be. Nothing showed up on allergy testing that would cause a severe full body outbreak . 

So I'm left with many questions. I'm at a crossroads and I have two choices:

1) Accept this is my life, keep taking steroids and try to live with it. 
 2) Let this motivate me to push further, dig deeper, see a variety of doctors (including a naturopath) until I find relief or an answer. I may never know the name of it, or what is causing it, but if I can find freedom and relief even through {especially through} natural means...I am open to anything at this point.

If you have a similar illness or know someone who does, please reach out to me. I'd love to talk and see if we can help each other.

Who Will You Believe?

Our church, LCBC (Lives Changed By Christ) , did an awesome series recently called Thrift Shop. Bottom line of the series: You are important, worthy, and challenging us to find our self worth in God not others. This last message really hit me in those deeps spots that are often tucked away. Hoping not to surface too often. Those sore spots that show up from time to time and it's not pretty. We all have them. Each one of us has "something" that needs healed from God, some area we try to not talk about or avoid, some part of us we really do not want others to know about. In the spirit of honesty... I'll let you know mine.  If you haven't guessed...it is pretty much this one: caring too much what others think of me. AKA wanting to be accepted by others, affirmed, appreciated....basing my worth on what other people think of me. Caring too much about what people will  say. You too? 

If you can relate to this, then I truly hope and pray that you, and I, will take what this photo says to heart. I pray God helps us to believe this. If you are like me, I read things like the photo above  and every part of me yells "YES, this is true!" until the next person makes some comment about me or the next situation arises and I'm doubting myself, wondering if I am accepted. WHAT DO THEY THINK OF ME can sometimes be a louder voice then WHAT DOES GOD THINK/SAY OF ME?

Why is it that the negative comments, the cruel stares and whispers about us from the few....can hurt so much more then positive remarks and love from the many? 

Words of Affirmation is my primary love language. If it is also yours then the old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" means nothing to you. In fact, words DO hurt. Deeply. And if we have enough hurtful language thrown at us over the course of many years, then we can begin to  believe them. Believe LIES about us from people, rather then TRUTHS about us from God. 

I am challenged....challenged to stop believing the lies. Challenged to start truly believing what God says and thinks about me. Who are people  to decide who we are, what we will be or do...what our worth is? God is our creator. He made us beautifully and wonderfully. He loves us deeply and nothing,  "neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:39-39

That is the most incredible news! Nothing can separate us from Gods love! People with their bad thoughts and words of us cannot separate us from Gods love and thoughts of us!

My friend, I know it is easier to say and  read about, then to do sometimes. In all things, we have to ask God for His help. We cannot do these things on our own, but we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. (Phil. 4:13) We have to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. (2 Corinth. 10:5) So every negative remark you hear, or you think, submit it to God. Then read scripture that affirms what God really thinks of you. Counter the negative voices, with the positive thoughts and words of God. One way to do this is to start writing down , in a journal, on note cards or sticky notes, positive scripture affirmations. Keep it somewhere close by so when the negative thoughts start swarming your mind, you can defeat them with the word of God. 

And finally, "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:28-31

Praying for you as you learn to depend on and believe in What God says about you!

~In Christ~

Meghan