~Purpose In The Pain~

Sometimes you have to go to a place you don't want to be, to end up in the place God wants you to be."- Christine Cain

I'm in a place I don't want to be.

 

I've been in a season of asking God "why me" concerning my health. Not gonna lie, it's been tough. Almost 10 years struggling with a certain health issue can make one weary. I just came through a 5 day battle with this issue and found myself on the verge of despair at times. I know that sounds dramatic , but it's true. When you fight something so long, something that stops your life for a week, causes you to take medication that has side effects that make you feel unwell, causes you to be "ineffective" as wife and Mom...It's hard. When you have been to various doctors to get a diagnosis , and still have no reason "why" it is happening...you become very frustrated and weary. That was me the last few days fighting this. Anyone that is struggling with health issues, I understand.

 

I see you. I hear you.
 

I'm no stranger to a "sick body". Since I was a baby I've had stomach/digestive problems. Many of my classmates probably remember me this way. Sick in school, missing school, etc etc. I was "the sick girl" for a long time. Lots of doctors visits and procedures to find out what is making this little girl so sick. Their conclusion was "Ulcers" because they really didn't know what else it was. We treated those ulcers as best we could.

"Why Me?"
 

Things got pretty bad as a young adult and I was checked again to see if there was another cause. I was diagnosed with a "diseased gallbladder". That was taken out and I thought maybe now I would feel better. I was told by the surgeon, "We saw something else in there, you need to see another doctor and have this checked out."

"Why Me?"

 

I ignored the advice for a few years because I wasn't as sick anymore. And to be honest, I was scared to find out what this "thing" was. My gallbladder removal did not completely solve my stomach pain, but it was a little better. So I went on with life. Until my stomach issues came back severely while in Massage School. Many of my Massage classmates may remember me "sick". My stubborn self finally was pushed by my fiancé (now husband) and my Mom to get the "mysterious thing" looked at.

"Why Me?"
 

 

That resulted in needing to have a large choledocal cyst removed from my bile duct that connects to my liver. This cyst had a high chance of becoming cancer some day and it's location would likely result in pancreatic/liver cancer.  Grateful this cyst was found "accidentally" is an understatement. And I believe I had my gallbladder removed for a reason, so that this cyst would be discovered. But, I found myself still asking...

"Why Me?"

 

8 hours later my bile duct was completely removed and a new one created using other parts of my digestive system. I'm not "hooked up" the same as I was originally and it's a miracle that the doctors could do that. It's a very rare situation so prognoses was largely unknown, but mostly positive. There aren't many people that have had this cyst or surgery and each one ended up with different results. 11 years post surgery and I'm mostly doing well. I'm thankful it was removed and to have had 2 of the BEST surgeons for this type of surgery right at Hershey Hospital. They are now both in North Carolina , the timing for it all was perfect. I'm definitely thankful and blessed.

 

That surgery definitely helped, but wasn't the answer I thought it was. I still had stomach issues for years after. Thankfully I do not as often these days but, as life would have it, I now have to deal with another health issue that came on suddenly 9 years ago.

"Why Me?"

And you would think after 35 years of fighting sickness that I would be stronger...not weaker. Maybe I'm stronger in ways I don't realize, but I feel weaker. Many tears have been shed and prayers prayed. 

"Why Me?"
 

I know that here in this life, in these bodies, we will never have perfect health. It would be nice though to have a season of good health. A few years maybe. Or even a "diagnoses" as to why this is happening.
 

 

Back to where I started, I'm in a place I don't want to be. A season of asking "Why Me".  I was weary the past few days. Just fed up. Maybe you can relate.

 

"Why is God allowing this to happen?!"
 

 "Why hasn't He given me an answer, He knows why! Why is He keeping me in the dark about this?!"

 "I know He loves me and cares about me, so why is He just sitting there watching me suffer like this? Why is He putting my kids through this?!"

 "Does He care about me at all?!"

 

"WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF ALL OF THIS GOD?!!!"
 

 

I know those are brutally honest questions. Maybe hard for some to read, but I imagine God wasn't surprised at all. I imagine He was pleased I was finally releasing all of that pent up frustration. I imagine after I was done, He might have said something like "Ok, good. Are you ready to listen now?"  I don't think He was offended by my questions , because it was not long after those, that He spoke truth into my heart.

 

 

 In my tear filled discussion with Matt, he spoke gentle reminders to me that I feel were God-given.

 

"Megs, I know this is hard. It's hard to watch you so sick. But, what if there is a reason for all of this that we just don't know yet. What if some day we're going to see the reason and it's all going to make sense"

 

I was asking the right question, the wrong way.

 

I was asking "Why Me?" "Why is this happening to me, what is the purpose of this?!" in tears of confusion, frustration and despair. I was tired of being sick and didn't understand why God would allow me to be tormented with this problem so much.
 

But in an instant, that question was transformed...


"Why Me" turned into..

"Why are you allowing this to happen to me? What is the purpose of this?" Asked in true wonder and curiosity. Asked in peace. Asked in love.

 

Matt reminded me that yes, it's hard right now. Really hard. But we only see "right now". We can't see months or years down the road how this will work out. We can't imagine how my pain and struggle right now might help someone some day. Someone , possibly my own child or even a grandchild, may end up very sick like me. But, I've done the hard work. I've struggled and fought...so that I can help whoever that is one day to have an answer and relief sooner then I did.

 

Those words flooded me with a peace that surpasses comprehension. Everything in me calmed.

I don't know "WHY" right now I'm allowed to suffer for a time. But my perspective has shifted. It doesn't mean it's going to be easy if and when another episode comes. But, if my suffering will help someone one day, possibly my own family member, then I will keep suffering and keep fighting for an answer.

 

I now am ready to do whatever I have to do to figure out what is causing my body to go through this. To have purpose in the pain is incredibly motivating. To know that if I can get to the bottom of this , no matter how long I have to suffer, no matter how many doctors I have to see..if it could help someone else down the road, then it is worth it.
 

I now look at this problem through the lens of "What if".
 

*What if one day my grandchild is going to have the same problems.

*What if I didn't give it my all and fight to find an answer and solution...and my grandchild will have to suffer.

*What if I push through the pain now and keep digging, if not for a "diagnosis" at least for an answer to help take away the symptoms, to make them manageable and easier to live with. And in turn, my grandchild will not have to suffer because "Grandma has the same thing and this is what she found to be helpful".

*What if I help more then one person some day?

*What if my suffering and my pain turned into a passion that could end up helping many people struggling in the same way?

*What if I CHOOSE to use my suffering and pain to do GOOD in this world, instead of staying stuck in the endless cycle of self pity and despair (that is very easy to get stuck in).
 

The God I love does not allow us to just suffer with no reason or purpose. I was reminded of that. He's not going to let me go through this for nothing. Something will come from this. I don't know what that is yet or when, but I'm more hopeful about the future now. I will keep working hard until then.
 

I'm passionate about living as natural as possible, though I don't always do it perfectly. Massage therapy is one way I can help people to deal with pain and stress naturally. I've also been passionate for a long time about nutrition and how food plays a role in our health/disease. I've been contemplating taking a certain path for a few years, back and forth about it. Unsure if I should spend the time and money, or if it's right for me.
 

 

This recent flare up with my health has been a game changer. I'm confident now about my next step.
 

Everything I have gone through regarding my health issues over the years, has led me to this point. And perhaps I wouldn't be as passionate about it , or even care, if I wouldn't personally struggle with my own health.
 

Sometimes the greatest motivator for change is going through it yourself ...and sometimes you find your calling in the middle of the struggle.
 

I end with encouragement to those struggling in any capacity. It stinks. Period. Allow yourself to go through those emotions. And then consider, like I did, changing your question of WHY ME to...Why have you let me have this burden? What do you want me to do with this?

 

"Why me?" Same question, different tone and perspective.
 

 

And consider asking "What if"  What if YOUR struggle , your burden is for a reason. What if your struggle is going to motivate you to take a step that is going to be LIFE CHANGING for someone else one day. {And for you as well!}

 

Remember that His POWER is made perfect in our weakness. And that He will always turn any bad situation around for GOOD for those who love Him.

"Sometimes you have to go to a place you don't want to be, to end up in the place God wants you to be"- Christine Cain

 

What place are you in , that you don't want to be? And what place might that lead to, that God wants you to be?



**For those who are wondering what health issue I am suffering with - It has no name yet but  Severe Chronic Hives seems to be the closest label I can give it. This is a full body severe  "rash" , accompanied with severe muscle pain all over (the muscle pain usually comes first , then the hives). This has landed me in the ER a few times, closing my throat once to which I was given an Epi-Pen that I still keep on me , but thankfully haven't had to use it. I get them inside my body and everywhere.. My ENTIRE body is effected, not one area left untouched by this monster. It causes my hands and feet to burn and swell to where I can not walk or do anything with my hands. Thankfully , steroids are my "answer"  right now when an episode flares up. But they are not good to take long term, and they leave me feeling very sick as well. They take care of the outbreak, but make me ill in other ways.

Some people get a fast and easy answer to their symptoms. They find out they have illness abc and can treat it easily with xyz. I'm in the group who cannot find a cause or diagnosis. No answer. I've had allergy testing and I'm under the care currently of my doctor and allergist. I've seen many doctors over the years, none of which can give me any clue as to what it could be. Nothing showed up on allergy testing that would cause a severe full body outbreak . 

So I'm left with many questions. I'm at a crossroads and I have two choices:

1) Accept this is my life, keep taking steroids and try to live with it. 
 2) Let this motivate me to push further, dig deeper, see a variety of doctors (including a naturopath) until I find relief or an answer. I may never know the name of it, or what is causing it, but if I can find freedom and relief even through {especially through} natural means...I am open to anything at this point.

If you have a similar illness or know someone who does, please reach out to me. I'd love to talk and see if we can help each other.