~Purpose In The Pain~

Sometimes you have to go to a place you don't want to be, to end up in the place God wants you to be."- Christine Cain

I'm in a place I don't want to be.

 

I've been in a season of asking God "why me" concerning my health. Not gonna lie, it's been tough. Almost 10 years struggling with a certain health issue can make one weary. I just came through a 5 day battle with this issue and found myself on the verge of despair at times. I know that sounds dramatic , but it's true. When you fight something so long, something that stops your life for a week, causes you to take medication that has side effects that make you feel unwell, causes you to be "ineffective" as wife and Mom...It's hard. When you have been to various doctors to get a diagnosis , and still have no reason "why" it is happening...you become very frustrated and weary. That was me the last few days fighting this. Anyone that is struggling with health issues, I understand.

 

I see you. I hear you.
 

I'm no stranger to a "sick body". Since I was a baby I've had stomach/digestive problems. Many of my classmates probably remember me this way. Sick in school, missing school, etc etc. I was "the sick girl" for a long time. Lots of doctors visits and procedures to find out what is making this little girl so sick. Their conclusion was "Ulcers" because they really didn't know what else it was. We treated those ulcers as best we could.

"Why Me?"
 

Things got pretty bad as a young adult and I was checked again to see if there was another cause. I was diagnosed with a "diseased gallbladder". That was taken out and I thought maybe now I would feel better. I was told by the surgeon, "We saw something else in there, you need to see another doctor and have this checked out."

"Why Me?"

 

I ignored the advice for a few years because I wasn't as sick anymore. And to be honest, I was scared to find out what this "thing" was. My gallbladder removal did not completely solve my stomach pain, but it was a little better. So I went on with life. Until my stomach issues came back severely while in Massage School. Many of my Massage classmates may remember me "sick". My stubborn self finally was pushed by my fiancé (now husband) and my Mom to get the "mysterious thing" looked at.

"Why Me?"
 

 

That resulted in needing to have a large choledocal cyst removed from my bile duct that connects to my liver. This cyst had a high chance of becoming cancer some day and it's location would likely result in pancreatic/liver cancer.  Grateful this cyst was found "accidentally" is an understatement. And I believe I had my gallbladder removed for a reason, so that this cyst would be discovered. But, I found myself still asking...

"Why Me?"

 

8 hours later my bile duct was completely removed and a new one created using other parts of my digestive system. I'm not "hooked up" the same as I was originally and it's a miracle that the doctors could do that. It's a very rare situation so prognoses was largely unknown, but mostly positive. There aren't many people that have had this cyst or surgery and each one ended up with different results. 11 years post surgery and I'm mostly doing well. I'm thankful it was removed and to have had 2 of the BEST surgeons for this type of surgery right at Hershey Hospital. They are now both in North Carolina , the timing for it all was perfect. I'm definitely thankful and blessed.

 

That surgery definitely helped, but wasn't the answer I thought it was. I still had stomach issues for years after. Thankfully I do not as often these days but, as life would have it, I now have to deal with another health issue that came on suddenly 9 years ago.

"Why Me?"

And you would think after 35 years of fighting sickness that I would be stronger...not weaker. Maybe I'm stronger in ways I don't realize, but I feel weaker. Many tears have been shed and prayers prayed. 

"Why Me?"
 

I know that here in this life, in these bodies, we will never have perfect health. It would be nice though to have a season of good health. A few years maybe. Or even a "diagnoses" as to why this is happening.
 

 

Back to where I started, I'm in a place I don't want to be. A season of asking "Why Me".  I was weary the past few days. Just fed up. Maybe you can relate.

 

"Why is God allowing this to happen?!"
 

 "Why hasn't He given me an answer, He knows why! Why is He keeping me in the dark about this?!"

 "I know He loves me and cares about me, so why is He just sitting there watching me suffer like this? Why is He putting my kids through this?!"

 "Does He care about me at all?!"

 

"WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF ALL OF THIS GOD?!!!"
 

 

I know those are brutally honest questions. Maybe hard for some to read, but I imagine God wasn't surprised at all. I imagine He was pleased I was finally releasing all of that pent up frustration. I imagine after I was done, He might have said something like "Ok, good. Are you ready to listen now?"  I don't think He was offended by my questions , because it was not long after those, that He spoke truth into my heart.

 

 

 In my tear filled discussion with Matt, he spoke gentle reminders to me that I feel were God-given.

 

"Megs, I know this is hard. It's hard to watch you so sick. But, what if there is a reason for all of this that we just don't know yet. What if some day we're going to see the reason and it's all going to make sense"

 

I was asking the right question, the wrong way.

 

I was asking "Why Me?" "Why is this happening to me, what is the purpose of this?!" in tears of confusion, frustration and despair. I was tired of being sick and didn't understand why God would allow me to be tormented with this problem so much.
 

But in an instant, that question was transformed...


"Why Me" turned into..

"Why are you allowing this to happen to me? What is the purpose of this?" Asked in true wonder and curiosity. Asked in peace. Asked in love.

 

Matt reminded me that yes, it's hard right now. Really hard. But we only see "right now". We can't see months or years down the road how this will work out. We can't imagine how my pain and struggle right now might help someone some day. Someone , possibly my own child or even a grandchild, may end up very sick like me. But, I've done the hard work. I've struggled and fought...so that I can help whoever that is one day to have an answer and relief sooner then I did.

 

Those words flooded me with a peace that surpasses comprehension. Everything in me calmed.

I don't know "WHY" right now I'm allowed to suffer for a time. But my perspective has shifted. It doesn't mean it's going to be easy if and when another episode comes. But, if my suffering will help someone one day, possibly my own family member, then I will keep suffering and keep fighting for an answer.

 

I now am ready to do whatever I have to do to figure out what is causing my body to go through this. To have purpose in the pain is incredibly motivating. To know that if I can get to the bottom of this , no matter how long I have to suffer, no matter how many doctors I have to see..if it could help someone else down the road, then it is worth it.
 

I now look at this problem through the lens of "What if".
 

*What if one day my grandchild is going to have the same problems.

*What if I didn't give it my all and fight to find an answer and solution...and my grandchild will have to suffer.

*What if I push through the pain now and keep digging, if not for a "diagnosis" at least for an answer to help take away the symptoms, to make them manageable and easier to live with. And in turn, my grandchild will not have to suffer because "Grandma has the same thing and this is what she found to be helpful".

*What if I help more then one person some day?

*What if my suffering and my pain turned into a passion that could end up helping many people struggling in the same way?

*What if I CHOOSE to use my suffering and pain to do GOOD in this world, instead of staying stuck in the endless cycle of self pity and despair (that is very easy to get stuck in).
 

The God I love does not allow us to just suffer with no reason or purpose. I was reminded of that. He's not going to let me go through this for nothing. Something will come from this. I don't know what that is yet or when, but I'm more hopeful about the future now. I will keep working hard until then.
 

I'm passionate about living as natural as possible, though I don't always do it perfectly. Massage therapy is one way I can help people to deal with pain and stress naturally. I've also been passionate for a long time about nutrition and how food plays a role in our health/disease. I've been contemplating taking a certain path for a few years, back and forth about it. Unsure if I should spend the time and money, or if it's right for me.
 

 

This recent flare up with my health has been a game changer. I'm confident now about my next step.
 

Everything I have gone through regarding my health issues over the years, has led me to this point. And perhaps I wouldn't be as passionate about it , or even care, if I wouldn't personally struggle with my own health.
 

Sometimes the greatest motivator for change is going through it yourself ...and sometimes you find your calling in the middle of the struggle.
 

I end with encouragement to those struggling in any capacity. It stinks. Period. Allow yourself to go through those emotions. And then consider, like I did, changing your question of WHY ME to...Why have you let me have this burden? What do you want me to do with this?

 

"Why me?" Same question, different tone and perspective.
 

 

And consider asking "What if"  What if YOUR struggle , your burden is for a reason. What if your struggle is going to motivate you to take a step that is going to be LIFE CHANGING for someone else one day. {And for you as well!}

 

Remember that His POWER is made perfect in our weakness. And that He will always turn any bad situation around for GOOD for those who love Him.

"Sometimes you have to go to a place you don't want to be, to end up in the place God wants you to be"- Christine Cain

 

What place are you in , that you don't want to be? And what place might that lead to, that God wants you to be?



**For those who are wondering what health issue I am suffering with - It has no name yet but  Severe Chronic Hives seems to be the closest label I can give it. This is a full body severe  "rash" , accompanied with severe muscle pain all over (the muscle pain usually comes first , then the hives). This has landed me in the ER a few times, closing my throat once to which I was given an Epi-Pen that I still keep on me , but thankfully haven't had to use it. I get them inside my body and everywhere.. My ENTIRE body is effected, not one area left untouched by this monster. It causes my hands and feet to burn and swell to where I can not walk or do anything with my hands. Thankfully , steroids are my "answer"  right now when an episode flares up. But they are not good to take long term, and they leave me feeling very sick as well. They take care of the outbreak, but make me ill in other ways.

Some people get a fast and easy answer to their symptoms. They find out they have illness abc and can treat it easily with xyz. I'm in the group who cannot find a cause or diagnosis. No answer. I've had allergy testing and I'm under the care currently of my doctor and allergist. I've seen many doctors over the years, none of which can give me any clue as to what it could be. Nothing showed up on allergy testing that would cause a severe full body outbreak . 

So I'm left with many questions. I'm at a crossroads and I have two choices:

1) Accept this is my life, keep taking steroids and try to live with it. 
 2) Let this motivate me to push further, dig deeper, see a variety of doctors (including a naturopath) until I find relief or an answer. I may never know the name of it, or what is causing it, but if I can find freedom and relief even through {especially through} natural means...I am open to anything at this point.

If you have a similar illness or know someone who does, please reach out to me. I'd love to talk and see if we can help each other.

Who Will You Believe?

Our church, LCBC (Lives Changed By Christ) , did an awesome series recently called Thrift Shop. Bottom line of the series: You are important, worthy, and challenging us to find our self worth in God not others. This last message really hit me in those deeps spots that are often tucked away. Hoping not to surface too often. Those sore spots that show up from time to time and it's not pretty. We all have them. Each one of us has "something" that needs healed from God, some area we try to not talk about or avoid, some part of us we really do not want others to know about. In the spirit of honesty... I'll let you know mine.  If you haven't guessed...it is pretty much this one: caring too much what others think of me. AKA wanting to be accepted by others, affirmed, appreciated....basing my worth on what other people think of me. Caring too much about what people will  say. You too? 

If you can relate to this, then I truly hope and pray that you, and I, will take what this photo says to heart. I pray God helps us to believe this. If you are like me, I read things like the photo above  and every part of me yells "YES, this is true!" until the next person makes some comment about me or the next situation arises and I'm doubting myself, wondering if I am accepted. WHAT DO THEY THINK OF ME can sometimes be a louder voice then WHAT DOES GOD THINK/SAY OF ME?

Why is it that the negative comments, the cruel stares and whispers about us from the few....can hurt so much more then positive remarks and love from the many? 

Words of Affirmation is my primary love language. If it is also yours then the old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" means nothing to you. In fact, words DO hurt. Deeply. And if we have enough hurtful language thrown at us over the course of many years, then we can begin to  believe them. Believe LIES about us from people, rather then TRUTHS about us from God. 

I am challenged....challenged to stop believing the lies. Challenged to start truly believing what God says and thinks about me. Who are people  to decide who we are, what we will be or do...what our worth is? God is our creator. He made us beautifully and wonderfully. He loves us deeply and nothing,  "neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:39-39

That is the most incredible news! Nothing can separate us from Gods love! People with their bad thoughts and words of us cannot separate us from Gods love and thoughts of us!

My friend, I know it is easier to say and  read about, then to do sometimes. In all things, we have to ask God for His help. We cannot do these things on our own, but we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. (Phil. 4:13) We have to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. (2 Corinth. 10:5) So every negative remark you hear, or you think, submit it to God. Then read scripture that affirms what God really thinks of you. Counter the negative voices, with the positive thoughts and words of God. One way to do this is to start writing down , in a journal, on note cards or sticky notes, positive scripture affirmations. Keep it somewhere close by so when the negative thoughts start swarming your mind, you can defeat them with the word of God. 

And finally, "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:28-31

Praying for you as you learn to depend on and believe in What God says about you!

~In Christ~

Meghan 

~Our First Love~

What is your first love?

 Is it your husband, wife, children, grandchildren? Is it your hobby, your job, your pets, or your friends and family? God has blessed us with so many "loves" on this Earth. He is such a good God! We have so many people, places and things to love. Thank you Lord for that. At the same time, while we should surely enjoy these loves in our life, God sends a gentle nudge to remind us to not make them , none of them, our first love.  

 In His holy word, God tells us that we are not to have any other "gods" above Him. No idols.  These "gods" come in many forms. It could be a thing that we actually worship/love or a person , job, etc. Please know, God sets these "rules" or boundaries for us to protect us. To keep us safe and to keep us focused on Him. When we take our focus off of Him, that is when life gets difficult and He knows what is best for us. He set up these "guidelines" for our own good! 

God desires to be our first love. Enjoying the many other "loves" all around us, while keeping him front and center, at the top. 

So, I encourage you today to take some time to reflect with me. Are there other loves competing for first place? Some questions you can ask yourself. 

*What do I spend most of my time thinking about? 

*What do I spend majority of my time doing? (we all work, or have children  or busy lives and commitments and that is ok! That is normal. Do we love those things or people more then God...do we give more time/devotion to those people/things then we give to God?)

*Do I ask God before I do something? (job interview, hard conversation with someone, etc) 

*Am I  taking issues/concerns/worries/fears to Him as it comes my way? 

*Am I carrying God with me throughout my day? (walking with him side by side through life)

*Do I talk/converse through prayer with God..like I would a dear close friend?

These are just some questions to ask to get us thinking about how we can better make our Lord our first love. This may not come easy at first. Ask God for help in making him your first love...He is faithful and  will help you! It takes time and practice like most things do. It takes 21 days to form a new habit. So give yourself at least 21 days to learn how to walk closer with God and make Him your first love. 

Don't be hard on yourself  if you get to  the end of your day and you didn't think about God much.  He knows your heart. He knows your intentions and your love for Him. I am learning this along with you.  I "try" to remember every day to lay down my day to  Him and my life and make Him my first love.   As I reflect on my own life,  I can see that at times it is my husband, other times my children that are taking place of God. 

You can pray this prayer if it is helpful.

"Lord, please search my  heart.  Reveal to me any little "g" gods in my life that are competing for first place over you.  Help me to love the people in my life the way you want me too, while keeping you first. Help me balance the many activities in my life, while keeping you first.  I long only for you to be my first love. Please help me to love you most every day. Thank you Lord! Amen" 

 No one is perfect on this journey, and God knows that. He see's our hearts and our intentions. Don't get frustrated and give up if you get to the end of the week and you realize God was not first. He is a God of many many many chances! He will help you, don't give up, keep trying. Before you know it, God will truly be your first love! 
 

Please share/comment on how you were able to make changes so that God is your first love, you could help someone else!
In Christ's Amazing Love,

Megs 

~Encourage One Another~

The Lord tells us in His Word, we are to "Encourage one another and build each other up" 1 Thess. 5:11.
This is one of my favorite verses in the bible. It has become a family favorite as well , with the kids repeating it often. I'm thankful for that. With the daily stresses of life, we need sweet reminders like this to encourage, help each other,  and lift each other up in tough times. We can do this by sharing scripture with one another, send an encouraging card in the mail, an up lifting email or message via social media. That is the great thing about social media and the internet, it is so very easy to encourage each other with a quick message. Sometimes all that is needed is a hug, a smile, a pat on the back. A simple "I hear you" and "I am here FOR you". Thoughtfulness goes a long way! When we are facing a tough time, we need our encouraging friends and family to get through those times. We need God's word to guide us and light our path. I am discouraged when I hear stories of someone facing a tough time and people who are possibly well meaning, however they belittle them, put them down, tear them down with words and actions...this doesn't encourage the person and build them up, rather discourages them and makes them feel down. It can push a person away. A person who is constantly put down probably will begin to believe they are worthless and unworthy.  And just the same, a person who is encouraged and built up will believe those things. What makes my heart rejoice is the fact that our God loves us so much , he put this verse in the bible for us. He obviously is serious about us encouraging and lifting each other up! He doesn't want us to tear down or belittle. He doesn't want us to make others feel bad. If you know someone going through a tough time in life, but they are making changes, no matter how small...they are making progress....encourage them and build them up. If your child makes a good choice - when they typically do not - jump on that opportunity to encourage them and lift them up.  We aren't perfect and we will at times fail to encourage and build up...but I challenge us (me included) to find ways we can be better at encouraging and building people up with our words and actions. How will you do this? Please share!
This topic makes me think about two more topics I would like to write about soon "Speaking The Truth In Love" and "The Power of Our Words".  These go along with encouraging one another.
Thanks so much...and God Bless you as you "Encourage one another and build each other up!"
In Christ,
Meghan 

Welcome!

Hey Friends! 

Thanks for visiting Abundant Life!.  Here you will find my personal thoughts on faith & health...and how to put both together to live an Abundant Life! Please feel free to share and comment.
~God Bless!~